With more bugs than the new iPhone, Steve Jobs needs to install yet another update.

By Man vs. Rock

In this day and age of endless remakes and repetitive reboots, it’s refreshing to see that Hollywood has finally given us something different and made a movie about Steve Jobs.  For those of you who don’t know who he is, Steve Jobs was the guy who perfected Apple Maps and made the creepy black turtleneck popular in the 1990’s.  He died in 2011 from pancreatic cancer probably caused by Windows Vista.

While he’s clearly not as important as Bill Gates or Jean Claude Van Damme, studio executives need something to do in order to pay for their mistresses and bath salts, and so they’ve made not just one, but TWO Steve Jobs films over the past two years.  If I recall correctly, the first Jobs movie made Ashton Kutcher into a household name and single-handedly saved the U.S. Economy due to its ticket sales.  However, in a controversial move, Jobs was shunned by the Academy Awards because it would have been the obvious, runaway winner of every single Oscar.  Just goes to show you how political and out of touch Hollywood is these days, unlike the music, sports, and television industries.  Thanks Obama …

So does this movie do justice to the classic Ashton Kutcher version?  Unfortunately, it doesn’t even come close. First though, I have to give credit to whoever thought of the title Steve Jobs to distinguish it from Jobs. I bet the meeting went something like this:

Head Studio Exec: Guys, we’ve got to come up with a title that’s different than the “Jobs” movie that literally came out two years ago.
Panicked Execs: Impossible!
Junior Exec: Oh, I’ve got it!  How about … STEVE Jobs!
Head Studio Exec: Brilliant
[Execs proceed to snort 1000 lbs of coke and kill three hookers]

So where does Steve Jobs fall flat?  It starts with stiff lead actor Michael Fassbender, who needs to take every acting lesson he can from Ashton Kutcher if he wants to stop toiling in no-name, indie films like Prometheus and 12 Years a Slave, and become a real, bona-fide star.  But despite his underwhelming performance, part of the blame has to go to inexperienced writer Aaron Sorkin and director Danny Boyle for not taking advantage of Fassbender’s largest talent.

Indeed, the complete lack of full frontal nudity in Steve Jobs is troubling and really demonstrates how little effort was put into this film.  If Sorkin or Boyle ever find work as key grips in Hollywood again, hopefully they learn from this amateur mistake.

Steve Jobs can also learn a thing or two from another Michael Fassbender film, X-Men: Days of Future Past, which had to meld Fassbender’s X-Men prequel with Brett Ratner’s far superior X-Men: the Last Stand.  In Jobs of Future Past, directed by Josh Trank, audiences will be mesmerized when Ashton Kutcher uses his Apple Watch to travel back in time to team up with Fassbender and stop Mark Zuckerberg from poisoning America’s water supply.  But until the Steve Jobs franchise installs a new update, I’m shutting it down for good, and deleting all files in my hard drive with a bottle or two of King Cobra.

How Much Money Will it Make:

In sum, Steve Jobs, while ambitious, has less personality than Siri, and more bugs than the new iPhone.   As for how much money Steve Jobs will make, based on the super-complicated algorithms I stole from that waiter at Denny’s, I predict that Steve Jobs will make:

 $12.4 million, or in layman’s terms, just enough to pay Jared Fogle’s lawyers.

About The Author Former Contributor

Former All-Comic.com Contributor

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