By Man vs. Rock
The past decade hasn’t been kind to the James Bond franchise. While the recent films starring Roger Moore-wannabe, Daniel Craig, have made about $17 trillion at the box office (source: Pyongyang Post), studio executives could care less about that. Rather, the thing that’s most important to studios are the opinions of unpaid bloggers such as myself, and by that crucial metric, James Bond is sinking faster than Eva Green did at the end of Casino Royale (spoiler alert if you didn’t already read the last sentence).
The newest Bond film, Spectre, is the worst installment yet for a franchise desperately seeking attention in a marketplace loaded with better options like Hotel for Dogs 2, Jem and the Holograms, and the 18,000th movie about Steve Jobs. Reports out of Hollywood claim that Spectre spent $200 million on advertising alone–the most desperate cry for attention since the U.S. Supreme Court took our freedoms away and upheld Obamacare. Note to executives: Having an advertising budget at all is like admitting to moviegoers that your film is not good enough to stand on its own–it’s the ultimate sign of defeat (Case in point: the Indianapolis Colts have spent about $5 million on advertising this year … checkmate). Like CGI and a musical score, it’s a desperate trick that audiences are just too sophisticated to fall for these days.
And while Spectre was practically screaming for my attention like all the girls did when I was in Model U.N., I noticed something … a little shocking. For some reason, James Bond has never been played by an American! After double and triple-checking this astonishing fact, I discovered that Bond has always portrayed by a British person [ed. note: besides the times he was played by Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, and Timothy Dalton].
This is unacceptable, and quite frankly, a little bit racist in my opinion. The rest of the world looks up to America for a reason, and Hollywood has a social responsibility to give audiences a hero that’s entertaining, dignified, and respectable–not some British guy. Any American who plays James Bond has to portray those qualities plus great leadership and intelligence. And while I was agonizing over who would be the perfect choice to play Bond, the obvious answer finally dawned on me:
Think about it: George W. Bush has the acting chops to make hanging chads exciting and convince millions of Americans into believing that Iraq had WMDs. While you could argue that George W. Bush wouldn’t be a believable choice to successfully fight international terrorists, you could probably make a hit movie from the blooper reel alone! If Hollywood has any sense, a truckload of agents are speed-dialing Dick Cheney right now and pleading with him to order Dubya to show up to a green-screen shoot immediately so they can edit him into Bond’s role before Spectre premieres. Then, and only then, will Bond be a hero worth seeing order a martini.
How much should it make:
With an uncharismatic hero and a tired plot, don’t expect Spectre to make more than a nickel at the box office, or as they say across the pond, the net worth of David Beckham’s left testicle. However, if Hollywood follows my suggestion and casts our greatest national treasure in it, all bets are off, and it’s a lock to make more than Jurassic World and Avatar combined.