A Racist Bond? An Objective, Scholarly Review of Spectre.

By Man vs. Rock

The past decade hasn’t been kind to the James Bond franchise.  While the recent films starring Roger Moore-wannabe, Daniel Craig, have made about $17 trillion at the box office (source: Pyongyang Post), studio executives could care less about that.  Rather, the thing that’s most important to studios are the opinions of unpaid bloggers such as myself, and by that crucial metric, James Bond is sinking faster than Eva Green did at the end of Casino Royale (spoiler alert if you didn’t already read the last sentence).

The newest Bond film, Spectre, is the worst installment yet for a franchise desperately seeking attention in a marketplace loaded with better options like Hotel for Dogs 2Jem and the Holograms, and the 18,000th movie about Steve Jobs.  Reports out of Hollywood claim that Spectre spent $200 million on advertising alone–the most desperate cry for attention since the U.S. Supreme Court took our freedoms away and upheld Obamacare.  Note to executives: Having an advertising budget at all is like admitting to moviegoers that your film is not good enough to stand on its own–it’s the ultimate sign of defeat (Case in point: the Indianapolis Colts have spent about $5 million on advertising this year … checkmate).  Like CGI and a musical score, it’s a desperate trick that audiences are just too sophisticated to fall for these days.

-SAY-ANYTHING- with caption

And while Spectre was practically screaming for my attention like all the girls did when I was in Model U.N., I noticed something … a little shocking.  For some reason, James Bond has never been played by an American!  After double and triple-checking this astonishing fact, I discovered that Bond has always portrayed by a British person [ed. note: besides the times he was played by Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, and Timothy Dalton].

This is unacceptable, and quite frankly, a little bit racist in my opinion.  The rest of the world looks up to America for a reason, and Hollywood has a social responsibility to give audiences a hero that’s entertaining, dignified, and respectable–not some British guy.  Any American who plays James Bond has to portray those qualities plus great leadership and intelligence.  And while I was agonizing over who would be the perfect choice to play Bond, the obvious answer finally dawned on me:

bush as bond

Think about it: George W. Bush has the acting chops to make hanging chads exciting and convince millions of Americans into believing that Iraq had WMDs.  While you could argue that George W. Bush wouldn’t be a believable choice to successfully fight international terrorists, you could probably make a hit movie from the blooper reel alone!  If Hollywood has any sense, a truckload of agents are speed-dialing Dick Cheney right now and pleading with him to order Dubya to show up to a green-screen shoot immediately so they can edit him into Bond’s role before Spectre premieres. Then, and only then, will Bond be a hero worth seeing order a martini.
How much should it make:

how much will spectre make

With an uncharismatic hero and a tired plot, don’t expect Spectre to make more than a nickel at the box office, or as they say across the pond, the net worth of David Beckham’s left testicle.  However, if Hollywood follows my suggestion and casts our greatest national treasure in it, all bets are off, and it’s a lock to make more than Jurassic World and Avatar combined.

Related posts

Comic Valhalla #1: Fear Agent

Comic Valhalla #1: Fear Agent

This is Comic Valhalla. Consider it a way to... shake off writer's block, rust and, most importantly, ride the rainbow bridge to fantastic comic series that have ended. No real "professional" writing structure, just you and I having a conversation about books that have gone to the drinking...

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

The first standalone Star Wars movie that is separate from the main series has arrived in the form of, to give it its full title, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. This stands aside (but not disconnected) from the rest of the series as Godzilla director Gareth Edwards gives us what is essentially...

The Flash 3.08 “Invasion (2)”

The Flash 3.08 "Invasion (2)"

SPOILER WARNING! The first part of DCTV’s mega four-night crossover wasn’t really part of the crossover at all, serving instead to act as the midseason finale for Supergirl and a cameo from Barry and Cisco at the end. Here, the real fun begins as Barry and Cisco drag Supergirl back to their...

The Flash 3.07 “Killer Frost”

The Flash 3.07 "Killer Frost"

 SPOILER WARNING! The Flash has been teasing much of Caitlin’s gradual transformation into Killer Frost over the course of this season, which has been great because they’ve finally given her something to do other than basically be a love interest for either Ronnie Raymond or Jay Garrick...

The Walking Dead 7.05 “Go Getters”

The Walking Dead 7.05 "Go Getters"

SPOILER WARNING! Directed by Darnell Martin (Law & Order, Grey’s Antonomy) and written by Channing Powell (The Walking Dead, White Collar), "Go Getters" shifts the action back to the Hilltop and Alexandria, where the split narratives showcased the growing resistance to Negan’s...

The Walking Dead 7.04 “Service”

The Walking Dead 7.04 "Service"

Spoiler Warning! Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s Negan has the potential to be one of the best villains of the show. Thanks to his much-hyped entrance, he’s left an instant impression, but it appears that he’s probably best left to just small-screen appearances where his impact can be felt. "Service"...

1 Comment

  1. Kingslayer1225 November 6, 2015
    Reply

    THIS! More of this pls. if Man Vs. Rock is reading this it was rad seeing you at long beach

Leave a comment